I was standing at the balcony window. Soft music was playing in the apartment behind me and I was looking out at the night sky. The moon was shining brightly. Looking up at it made me think of all the humans from around the world and from all different cultures, religions, and continents who have lived under that same moon. From generation to generation -- back and back to when we were just primitive humans and before that to whatever we were before we looked human -- all of us have experienced the feeling of living on this planet and under the moon that was glowing above me. I felt a connection with my ancestors, with humanity, with life, and with the world. I felt peaceful. I felt happy.
Church taught me that the feelings of this experience should have deep meaning. This should be an example of a "spiritual experience." The correct way to interpret these feelings would be to say that the Spirit was testifying to me of the magnificence of God's creations, or of the love God has for everyone, or of some other deep and meaningful doctrine of the church.
But at this point in my life, I didn't need the church interpretation of my feelings. I felt peace. I felt happy. Why would I need any more than that?
I decided then that I wouldn't let the church define experiences for me. It was comforting to know that I COULD find peace without anything remotely related to church. If I wanted to find meaning in my life, I could make it for myself. The church did NOT have a monopoly on "spiritual experiences", good feelings, or happiness. I felt free.
This post was really important for me to write because it captures the moment when I realized that the church has always tried to tell me I would miserable if left. Now I realize that this is like an abusive relationship where the abusive partner pressures the victim into staying by saying things like, "you'll never do any better than me," or "you'll never be happier than you are with me." The truth, though, is that there is plenty of happiness to be found outside of the church. They try to say that happiness outside of the church is just fake, that it's Satan's deception. All I have to say to that is I'm just as happy as I was before and now I don't have anyone threatening me with eternal damnation if I don't do what they want me to do.
If "true" happiness is only available through an organization that is quick to blame their members and make them suffer enormous amounts of guilt while the church as an organization never admits its own mistakes or gives apologies, then I'm fine with my "counterfeit" happiness, thank you very much.
Church taught me that the feelings of this experience should have deep meaning. This should be an example of a "spiritual experience." The correct way to interpret these feelings would be to say that the Spirit was testifying to me of the magnificence of God's creations, or of the love God has for everyone, or of some other deep and meaningful doctrine of the church.
But at this point in my life, I didn't need the church interpretation of my feelings. I felt peace. I felt happy. Why would I need any more than that?
I decided then that I wouldn't let the church define experiences for me. It was comforting to know that I COULD find peace without anything remotely related to church. If I wanted to find meaning in my life, I could make it for myself. The church did NOT have a monopoly on "spiritual experiences", good feelings, or happiness. I felt free.
This post was really important for me to write because it captures the moment when I realized that the church has always tried to tell me I would miserable if left. Now I realize that this is like an abusive relationship where the abusive partner pressures the victim into staying by saying things like, "you'll never do any better than me," or "you'll never be happier than you are with me." The truth, though, is that there is plenty of happiness to be found outside of the church. They try to say that happiness outside of the church is just fake, that it's Satan's deception. All I have to say to that is I'm just as happy as I was before and now I don't have anyone threatening me with eternal damnation if I don't do what they want me to do.
If "true" happiness is only available through an organization that is quick to blame their members and make them suffer enormous amounts of guilt while the church as an organization never admits its own mistakes or gives apologies, then I'm fine with my "counterfeit" happiness, thank you very much.
Great thought here. I'm glad that you're happy and at peace. I found out the truth about the church earlier this year, and am still trying to get to that place - hence the title of my blog, "The Wanderer" I am looking to find peace. Feel free to check it out. I'm just starting with it.
ReplyDeleteI really love the last line of this post. I've seen too much of it during my years as a TBM. So much for the "humility" that is constantly preached.
Best wishes to you.
Thanks. And good luck with your blog! I've found writing to be very therapeutic. :)
DeleteI'm finding your writing to be very therapeutic too…..and I've been out for so long, not because I studied it out and found a heaping pile if fraud but because I read the anthology "Women and Authority" and watched all the contributing essayists getting excommunicated and slandered in such an ugly way by my own ward members as I was reading their well researched well documented very logical and many times very beautiful writing. It was the misogyny, racism and homophobia that I would never again be able to un-see. I left because it stopped feeling right to me.
DeleteWhat I liked best about your blog post is that it's all true, unlike mormonism and its purported history.
ReplyDeleteEspecially this: " I realized that the church has always tried to tell me I would (be) miserable if left. Now I realize that this is like (being in) an abusive relationship where the abusive partner pressures the victim into staying by saying things like, "you'll never do any better than me," or "you'll never be happier than you are with me." The truth, though, is that there is plenty of happiness to be found outside of the church."
Good stuff, true stuff!
Haha, thank you! The nice thing about thinking about truth outside of the church is that no one will damn you for the things you think are true or not. You are free to find truth wherever you want, even from random blog posts on the internet. ;)
DeleteThanks for sharing these thoughts. I never found any serenity in the Mormon church. It all felt like a punishment to me. And my LDS family turned against me for my agnosticism. I had to find my own peace away from them and their religion.
ReplyDeleteGood for you for recognizing that! I'm glad you didn't get stuck in a place where you couldn't find peace.
DeleteIt's sad to me that so many people don't realize how unhappy they are in the church because the church doesn't even let them think that would be possible... It's incredible mind control really.
Having joined the Church, left,tried for over a year to find the Spirit in other faiths, then rejoined the Church served a mission, and married in the temple and continue to grow my faith...I can honestly say you are right that you have to find your own path. Sometimes you have to leave to gain perspective. I found it ironic, however, that you write to help you "cope with leaving" the Church. Why do you need to cope with it? If you are truly free, as you mention, then there really shouldn't be any coping to do. I do pray you find peace in your life. God loves you.
ReplyDeleteI'm curious what you are getting out of reading my blog. Most people read it because they also have stuff to cope with, but if you don't understand that part of it then what are you getting out of reading my thoughts?
DeleteWhat a fantabulous post this has been. Never seen this kind of useful post. I am grateful to you and expect more number of posts like these. Thank you very much. spiritual mormon
ReplyDelete