Nightmares

Churches are always scary, unwelcoming places in my nightmares now. I had a dream last night that I was at my home ward. It was testimony meeting and I wanted to get up and say some things about how even though I resigned and I'm never coming back, I still love and respect the Mormons in my life. In the dream, I'm surrounded by family and my community. People I grew up with. It's a situation where I used to feel safe and loved and welcomed. And that's when it becomes a nightmare. When I try to bear my "testimony" of how I feel about everyone, they shut the mic off. I'm not even allowed up on the stand because they don't want to hear anything from someone who has left the church. Now I'm suddenly a criminal. An outcast. A heretic. An apostate. People are glaring at me. I'm alone in a crowd. It hurts. I've woken up crying from nightmares like this before. In some nightmares, I try to talk about why I left the church in a Sunday school class and I get shouted out of the room (sometimes I shout back and it just makes me feel worse), and other times I'm trying to have a heart to heart with someone close to me about how my beliefs have changed and they leave the room in disgust without even looking at me. It's been two years now since I resigned and even longer since I stopped going to church. The pain is easing up a little, but it's still there. Last night's nightmare didn't make me cry, but it still left me with feelings of hopeless grief. I heard an analogy the other day that I think explains this hopeless grief. The comparison goes like this: when I was leaving the church it felt like people were picking sides. Like they either had to pick me or the church. If this were a railroad problem, it felt like I was tied to one set of railroad tracks and Joseph Smith was tied to a different set of tracks, and if Mormons had to flip a switch to decide which one of us to save from being hit by a train, they would save Joseph Smith. Every time. I think that's why I keep having nightmares like this. It's been traumatic in real life to feel unwelcome in places where I used to feel safe, and to feel like people really don't care about me as much as they care about not rocking the boat when it comes to Mormonism. I think that trauma of losing community and feeling "thrown under the bus" (or train) is what keeps leaking into my dreams and making them nightmares. And who knows... Maybe someday I'll stop having these nightmares. Maybe someday I'll get to have those heart to heart conversations without always feeling like Joseph Smith is more important to Mormons than I am. Maybe someday being around Mormons won't make me feel like a heretic, alone in a crowd. But until there are significant changes made to Mormon culture, it doesn't feel like that day is ever going to come...

Shen Yun Part 2: Threat(s) From a Falun Dafa Follower

I think this is the first time I've ever received what appears to be a death threat, or at least a "take this article down or else!" kind of message.

About a month ago I made a post about how I bought tickets to a show called Shen Yun and felt scammed because the show is advertised as cultural dancing when it's really just propaganda for a cult called Falun Dafa.

Here's the original post: http://unpackingmormonism.blogspot.com/2018/03/i-kind-of-feel-like-i-just-got-scammed.html?m=1

And here's the Reddit discussion: https://www.reddit.com/r/exmormon/comments/85l55u/i_kind_of_feel_like_i_just_got_scammed_we_bought/

I woke up to this email today from someone who read my blog post (I added the emphasis):

"I am Sarah, a loyal Falun Dafa practitioner for almost 10 years. Falun Dafa always gives me peace and safety while other religions cannot. Shen Yun show you just watched and wrote about is organized and directed by Master Li and Falun Dafa.

So you can imagine how annoyed even furious I felt when I read your article “I kind of feel like I just got scammed. We bought Shen Yun tickets...” (http://www.unpackingmormonism.com/2018/03/i-kind-of-feel-like-i-just-got-scammed.html)

First, let me give you more details about Shen Yun.Shen Yun show, whose title translates to “the beauty of divine beings dancing” and organized by Falun Gong group, is an elaborate showcase of Chinese folk tales.Lots of miracles happened while watching Shen Yun. For example, an 86-year-old lady developed a lump on her buttock. It was about the size of an egg and very hard. It is getting big and affecting her comfort, especially when sitting. One day she happened to watch the DVD of Shen Yun performances at home. After a while, she was startled by a sudden noise, as if something had dropped. She got up and looked around, but didn't see anything out of place. When she touched her bottom, she realized that her lump was gone! Her skin was intact, and nothing had fallen onto the sofa.

Her daughter then clarified the facts about Falun Gong further to her mother. She said that the artists in Shen Yun Performing Arts were almost all Falun Gong practitioners. They tour over 100 cities each year, and many audience members have felt the positive energy from a Shen Yun performance.

Now this elderly woman has become happier and she smiles more. She frequently enjoys watching the Shen Yun DVD and listening to the Falun Gong lectures. (Please see http://en.minghui.org/html/articles/2014/2/6/145258.html for details). This is a true story, written by a Falun Gong practitioner.

So Shen Yun is not only a beautiful show which provides divine enlightenment, but also it helps people out of misery, if you just believe it with all your heart and soul. 

Second, let me give you more information about Master Li, the founder of Falun Dafa.

Our Master has learned the essence of Buddhism and obtained supernatural powers, such as control thinking and make himself invisible since the age of 8. He understands the truth of the universe and has insights into life and can see the past and future. Moreover, he has numerous law-bodies so that he can look after the whole human race. In one word, he is the living Budda to save the whole human race, for example, he has averted a global comet catastrophe and the Third World War. If you help his cause, he will plant a wheel in your stomach, which protects you from any harm or illness.

He once said:

“I'm the only one in the world who has law-bodies. I have countless law-bodies, who look exactly like me. They are in another space, and can change their sizes limitlessly and freely. I am the main body, but they have the ability to do things independently. They can look after you, protect you, help you to practice, and do other things. They are actually embodiments of me. That is how I can protect you. Most of my law-bodies wear the kasaya and they have curly, blue hair, as blue as a sapphire.”

And I really doubt you were bought by evil Chinese Communist Party to write such articles to blacken Shen Yun and Falun Dafa.

So please make a public apology to Shen Yun and withdraw this article at once.

And if you don’t listen to me and go on to write such articles like this, Master Li will also use his power to punish you. I don’t think you will let that happen.

Please write back to me otherwise I will report to Master Li. You and your family will be punished soon. When the Final Day comes, you and your family will be abandoned and died in misery.

Yours Sincerely

Sarah"

I wrote a quick reply:

"Hi Sarah!

Thanks for the message. I'm sorry to made you feel so much concern.You are right, I was not paid to write that article. I just wrote it because that's how I feel.

Did you read any of my other blog posts? They are about a religion called Mormonism, that claims it can heal people through the power of the priesthood. The followers of Mormonism also believe that their prophet can talk to god and that he has special powers, just like you believe Master Li has special powers.

Followers of Mormonism think I should not write blog posts about them just like you think I should not write blog posts about Shen Yun.So who should I listen to? You or the Mormons? Both of you say the religion you belong to performs miracles, and both of you say bad things will happen to the people who don't believe, and yet most of the people in the world do not believe in Falun Dafa or Mormonism.

Should I listen to the Mormons too? Should I write apologies to the Mormons?

Thanks, 

Amanda"

I'll make updates to this post if any blue, curly-haired angels come after me, or if I get a reply from Sarah.

I kind of feel like I just got scammed. We bought Shen Yun tickets...

I've never been to a show that generated so many bad vibes for me. The whole thing screamed "CULT!" and reminded me of Mormonism. I imagine this is how people feel when they go to a temple open house and get asked for their contact information. Some "oh, that's nice" mixed with "what the heck was that?" and a lot of "this is not what I signed up for".

The show is marketed as a celebration of Chinese culture, some parts seemed alright. The costumes are bright and colorful. The dancing was fun.

But a large part of the show is propaganda for a cult called Falun Dafa (from what I've read, the group is anti-gay, they believe their religion can heal illnesses, and one leader is on record saying they don't believe mixed-race children will get to heaven... sound familiar?).

Here's just a little taste of the unexpected weirdness. After finishing a dance featuring some long, twirly, Han-dynasty sleeves (pretty cool), the person introducing the next piece talks a bit about persecution in China and you move to a dance with this scene: a man is imprisoned and blinded by the evil prison doctor when he won't renounce his faith in Falun Dafa. The blind man's wife and other clean-cut Falun Dafa friends are still preaching in the park when he returns, tapping away with his cane.  When they realize that he has stayed faithful this whole time, he is suddenly visited by a bunch of angels and receives his sight again! Yay! Falun Dafa is good!

So bizarre.

Quite a few of the dances included spiritual imagery mixed with messages about bringing the divine to earth through art. One piece was a song about how humanity's values are in decline and bad people will get their reward, but all of us want to go to Heaven and you can come to the light if you learn truth. The whole thing was covered in a good heap of persecution complex too, though persecution of certain groups has been a pretty big deal in China, so I'll give them a pass on that. They don't deserve brutality. No one does, no matter how crazy their beliefs.

There are some good reviews of the show out there (I liked this one: http://www.akit.org/2012/01/shen-yun-performing-arts-show-in-sf.html) and I thought this article about it was interesting: http://www.startribune.com/shen-yun-politics-behind-the-performance/290985131/

Overall, I don't recommend it and it definitely made me uncomfortable, but it feels like it worked out for us. The first date my husband and I went on was to a Chinese acrobatics show while we were both going to BYU, and we were going to Shen Yun as a sort of anniversary date. We were part of a cult on that first date, and we got suckered into watching cult propaganda on our anniversary date four years later! Perfect.